He didnt know what day it was, what time even, all he knew was that it was another one, another damn day and the only thing keeping him from not staying in bed today was the beaming Sun shining down into his muted eyes.
Sawyer had thoughts of suicide, but mostly he didnt have the balls to do it. Wasnt enough of a man in his mind to follow through with it. So he just kept on going.
It was just him now. He had born witness to the deaths of Rose, Bernard, and Miles.
There were only a few of them left now.
Every day his eyes growing more tired, his legs feeling weaker. No more food drops, no more Dharma barsit was all gone, and he was too tired to hunt. He never had the heart to kill animals anyway. Ironically, Sawyer thought with a satiric smile.
He had once thought of this island as his home. Now just an orphan like the rest of them when they all went away. Refusing to think about the day when all of that changed. And those he once knew and thought of as family crashed and burned into their salty graves. When She vanished before his eyes. Many a night Sawyer tried to forget about that day. Wondering why in the hell he had to survive. Of anyone, why him? He supposed it was his curse.
The purge had taken care of the majority of the island population. It was just him and Juliet now, well Charlotte dissapeared one day, just like Claire, and Daniel had taken off to conduct some science project and Sawyer couldnt remember the last time he saw him. If it hadnt been for her, hed have been dead along time ago. Sawyer both loathed and loved her as his friend, protector, and life saver.
Knocking on the door Juliet came in and she threw some clean clothes at Sawyer
"I did the laundry today, next week you have to hike down to the stream to do it"
Sawyer stood up and took his shirt from her replying with an ironic smirk
"Oh dont worry darlin, besides kickin dharma ass and sending John boy to the cleaners, washin your dirty underwear is at the top of my priority list."
Juliet smiled and patted his arm as she walked by him and replied
"Well at least you still have your sense of humor." Juliet knew the day Sawyer lost that, she was in trouble.
"So, have you given any thought about my proposal?" Juliet asked him with brows raised as she folded the rest of her laundry and Sawyer chuckled shaking his head thinking about it, he replied.
"What about goin to meddle around with that time machine? Sugar, dreamin about it aint gonna help you any in the 'Were Stuck Here and Never Goin Home' department..."
He knew they were here for the long haul. Infact Sawyer was convinced someday, others would find this place and find his bones somewhere on this island.
Juliet smiled sadly and looked down at the floor for a moment in reflection replying
"If we dont have hope what do we have?"
"Thats easy darlin." Sawyer answered looking back at her he concluded
"We got nothing."
Juliet creased her brows feeling sad for him, for herself, sad that it seemed that neither one of them would ever find happiness. Not even with each other, even though they tried.
Feeling angered all of the sudden, Juliet didnt want to deal with his pissy attitude anymore and she pushed the book Sawyer was reading out of his hands and onto the floor, and he exclaimed agitated
"Hey, I was reading that!"
Juliet scoffed and replied..."Yeah for the Five hundred and sixty seventh time."
She turned to face him upset and Juliet finally exclaimed...."Your going to have to get over it James, we have to move on, we have to let go of the past, and make way for our futures!"
Sawyer chuckled and he replied..."Oh yeah thats rich coming from Crackerjack Jill, the one who thinks we can find a way off this twilight zone island. Face it Princess, were stuck here, till we die, were stuck, you might as well go out there and dig your grave yourself, least that way you can pick the spot."
Juliet couldnt take any more of it, dumping the rest of his laundry on the floor she stormed off.
Sawyer didnt see her again for the rest of the day. It was days like this he wished he could get drunk off his ass on dharma booze and just say fuck it all. But the island wouldnt even allow him that satisfaction.
No he was meant to be miserable and drown in it. Walking outside, Sawyer had no thoughts or feelings. Just following where his feet took him, it was well after dark when he finally stopped and realized where he was. Angry cause it was the last place they saw John Locke before he disappeared. But he just wanted to end it, no more visitors. Sawyer thought if he could live out the rest of his days in peaceful solitude it would be all right. Close the door forever, he thought. Knowing now what he had to do.
Sawyer left the Pearl and ran back to the black rock. He knew there were some explosives. Actually they were barely even a few months old. The ships crew died in the purge. Yeah Sawyer was confident even Einstein himself wouldnt be able to figure that one out. And Sawyer found the dynamite. Not bothering to linger in the familiar scene. Even though it had been years, he still remembered it like it was yesterday. This is where he killed the real Sawyer after he ripped up his letter. Not wanting to think about it as he sneered past the Brig, Sawyer found what he was looking for.
Carefully wrapping each stick, Sawyer carefully placed them in his bag and then he was off. His hand on the door to the Pearl, he was going to make sure this particular hatch was blasted into smithereens. Just fucking sick of it all. He wanted it to end. His eyes closing in anger and frustration when he heard his name being called
"James!"
He recognized the voice as Juliets and Sawyer decided not to allude to what he was doing. Juliet would surely stop him, growling back at her
"What?"
"What are you doing?" Juliet was suspicious already however and before Sawyer had a chance to protest she unzipped his bag and several sticks of dynamite came pouring out.
Juliet gasped her eyes misting, when she realized what he was about to do. "You...youdont ever want to go home? You want to take away our hope? My hope?"
Juliet asked her voice emotional, her eyes teary as she pleaded with Sawyer. He looked back at her feeling ashamed all of the sudden. But before he could reply, Juliet pulled an envelope out of her pocket.
Unable to meet Sawyers gaze she shoved it in his hand and replied
"Here this came for you!"
Juliets gaze flickered on his for a moment as Sawyer looked back at her confused. And then he looked down at the envelope in his dirty hands. Noticing the rainbow and unicorn stickers on the outside, he thought it was some kind of joke and called after her
"What the hell is this?"
Juliet didnt turn back and Sawyer was forced to examine the envelope more closely. Wondering what the fuck these people were smoking. He didnt think many of them had their sanity in check anymore, possibly even Juliet included. Opening the envelope he found a folded up piece of purple lined paper. Shaking his head in doubt he sighed as he unfolded it and tried to read the words by moonlight.
I dont know your real name. But I know that my mommy loved you. She never told me about you, but she says I have your eyes and smile.
I miss you daddy. And wish every day that you would be here with me. I dont care what you did or if you and mommy fought. I need you.
This pretty lady came by my house last week and told me she knew you. She said you were a good man, the kind of dad I should be proud of. She said you were a hero.
Daddy I miss you so much.
When I look up to the stars at night, Ill think of you. Just like the lady said she did when she missed you. I cant wait till Im in heaven so I can meet you. I know you would be just as proud of me as I was of you.
I love you daddy. See you tonight!
Love,
Clem
He stood there for a long time looking down at the letter. Reading the words over and over. A lone tear fell, and his heart ached. Collapsing to his knees in final surrender of weakness he cried. No it wasnt true, it couldnt be, he thought, as his heart dared to hope...
Sawyer looked down at the letter again that couldnt leave his hand. Not even if he tried. His eyes all blotchy.
And then he looked up at the starry sky as the moon beamed down on his face, the same moon his daughter was looking at, the same moon... Feeling naked and vulnerable daring to believe it. She was still out there. She kept his promise. Sawyer swallowed as his whole world came crumbling down. Realizing finally as he muttered softly in disbeleif...
"son of a bitch."
His mind allowing him to come to no other conclusion than--Kate was alive!
